Clothing Conundrum: Low-Rise pants, Cheesecloth, and all-sizes fit none
Throughout history of humankind, fashion trends have come and gone. Civilization has seen the rise and fall of foot binding and the corset, along with the steady ascent of the blue jean. Some fashions have been downright ridiculous, while others have changed the way we look, act, and feel. Despite our triumphs within the fashion industry, we have recently witnessed the launch of the steady decline of fashion. Amidst all the chaos we have to look at ourselves in a full-length mirror and ask one question: “Are clothes even worth it anymore?
Low rise jeans: Low on the waist, Low on options.
One of my biggest personal clothing peeves is the low rise jean. The main reason I feel hatred for this variation of the jean pant is the large monopoly it has placed on the previously stable, classical style of jeans. This monopoly occurred thanks to the clothing designers whom, much like the teens for which they are designing, desperately want to fit in with their peers, thus changing all normal jeans into denim mutants. Five years ago it was easy to find your favorite style of jeans. You could always go into your favorite store, locate your department, maneuver down the same row, and find your favorite style of jeans highlighted by soft, recessed lighting with a smooth jazz version of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus playing in the background. Back in the day jeans used to be dependable. The old philosophy of pant design allowed jeans to stay in style and on the rack; possibly making your pants more faithful, longer lasting, and more durable than a cherished friendship.
The rise of low rise pants has popularized a one night stand jean shopping mentality. Blue jeans used to be classified by simple words like boot cut, flare, or acid washed. It is currently impossible to find a pair or brand of jeans to which you can make a long term commitment due to supposedly helpful, classifying terms such as: low rise, ultra low rise, super low rise, and leg warmers. When I am shopping for jeans I can never remember the long description that matched a prior purchase of pants that I had learned to live with and often find myself asking, Did I get the ultra-low-waist acid-washed double-stitched flare-leg with the cargo-pockets or the low-waist button-fly boot-cut single-stitched classic-fade-wash with hidden-pockets? It is questions like these that keep me in psychological distress, and in the mall, just because I needed a new pair of pants.
Another reason I am disgusted by low-rise pants is due to the fact that unlike many products produced today, they live up, or should I say down, to their name. As I see it, low rise pants are a regressive action of the fashion industry, which, since the dawn of creation, and nakedness, has attempted to cover the oh-so-unattractive human backside. The current designers, though well established in clothing that covers the glutei region, decided that designing the extra inch or two of fabric was too much work, or too traditional. Despite the study of the human figure in art, never before has the butt been so severely emphasized; emphasis which it logically does not deserve. Although the gluteus maximus has a crack, it does not deserve or need to be marveled at or as widely seen as another crack, the Grand Canyon. The image of a plumber's butt has never been positively embraced as an image people would like to have engraved in their brain, and neither should a glimpse of the affectionately named, butt cleavage of any low-rise patron.
Because low- rise jeans have become so popular and simultaneously unavoidable I have been forced to adapt and have created a few tips that make the experience of buying and wearing low-rise pants more enjoyable than amputating your foot. There are several techniques that can help you find that good enough pair of pants. First, after you try on your pants sit down on a bench or on the floor. While in this position assess (no pun intended) the amount of cleavage showing. If you can fit the width of your hand between your backside and your pants do not, by any means, actually purchase these pants, unless you are prepared for your pants to become a basketball goal or trash can for the bored students sitting behind you. The next test you should carry out is the Bend and crouch test. This test mimes the everyday activity of reaching over and picking up something on the floor. Once again, if you can feel a breeze against you backside I encourage you to keep looking. The last test is called the stretch test. To perform this test you can do several things such as: run in place, jump up and down, skip, or bend over to touch your toes. If at any time during this test, your pants split or work their way down to your knees, do not purchase these pants. Also be aware that you might not only leave without any new pants, but it is highly probable that you will leave the store in your underwear without the jeans you were wearing, seeing that all jeans have looks, texture, and title in common. If, by some miracle, you do find a pair of pants that partially passes the test (with a C at least) you will inevitably have to prevent the crisis of plumbers crack. To thwart the chance of exposing yourself you will have to decide on one of the following options: wear no underwear, search for longer t-shirts, which is almost as improbable as finding jeans, but hey, you have made it this far, or the third and certainly most desirable option at this point, to join a nudist colony.
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